What did you communicate? It probably wasn’t what you think

​In today's tip, I want to talk to you about a common communication problem which can  cause real conflict in relationships.

To listen to the audio, click on the play button below. You can also read the transcript beneath the audio.

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​Hi Carthage Buckley here from Coaching Positive Performance. Today, I want to discuss with you a little problem that arises quite often

I was reminded of it this week when a reader emailed me with this kind of problem. Now, obviously I don't want to discuss the readers details so I'm going to use a generic example but what happens here is you provide a friend with something of value, it could be a product, it could be a service or a it could be an item you own. You expect money in exchange for providing the item but you don't mention to the friend that you expect money. You were then disappointed and maybe even angry when the friend does not offer you any money in exchange. But what you forget here is that you're always communicating. You chose to avoid a difficult conversation with a friend about money but what you did then was you communicated to them that you didn't expect money. You communicated that by not mentioning money and in avoiding that difficult conversation you have now put yourself in a more difficult situation where you have to go to the friend and tell them you were expecting money in exchange.

With the original conversation that you avoided it would have just been you that felt awkward but now having to go to your friend and say well actually I expected money in return; that makes both of you feel awkward. It creates the potential for a difficult situation between you and your friend. It's very easy to blame the friend here when you were hoping to avoid a difficult conversation but in doing so you've created a more difficult situation.

Because you always communicate! If you leave the details out you have communicated that they are not necessary. Your friend cannot be blamed for that; the message they received is that you did not expect money in exchange. The message your friend receives is the message that you've sent It's not what you think you sent It's the message which ended up with the receiver. Your friend is of the belief that money is not required so why would thye hand money over.

This should teach you when the situation arises that avoiding a problem or a challenge does not make that problem or challenge go away. In fact, it usually becomes bigger so, nip it in the bud and deal with it straight up when you ae supposed to deal with it, by being upfront and being honest. If you want something in exchange state what you want, be crystal clear about it. That allows your friend to decide for themselves whether they want to take you up on the offer and if they don't they can say no. If they do, they know exactly what's expected of them. Both people have the same expectations because you cannot go through life expecting things from people and not telling them. They cannot possibly meet your expectations unless they know what your expectations are and that requires you to tell them.

So, the lesson I'd like you to learn from this situation is do not avoid difficult conversations; it only becomes more difficult. Be open; be honest and; be upfront. It may seem difficult at first but I promise you, you are avoiding a lot more trouble in the long-run.


​​So, if you are ​are avoiding difficult conversations, you need to resolve that issue..

If this is the problem for you, you will find some help here.

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