Be the goal in the relationship

​I want to talk to you about the importance of being the goal and how that affects your relationships. Relationships are so important in each and every area of our lives they are fundamental to help us to pursue our goals, dreams and objectives; to help us to connect with others; to feel important; to feel loved; and to feel significant. These are all important concepts and important factors in relationships so, when relationships hit problems it's important that we manage them correctly.

Because it's not realistic to expect that every relationship that we have will be perfect. In fact, it's not realistic to expect that any relationship we have would be perfect. There will always be problems; there will always be difficulties which need to be overcome. The tendency when we have a problem in a relationship is to look at the other person and think  it’s their fault that that things aren't going the way you want them to go but that's a very one sided look at a relationship

I want to talk to you about the importance of being the goal and how that affects your relationships. Relationships are so important in each and every areaof our lives they are fundamental to help us to pursue our goals, dreams and objectives; to help us to connect with others; to feel important; to feel loved; and to feel significant. These are all important concepts and important factors in relationships so, when relationships hit problems it's important that we manage them correctly. Because it's not realistic to expect that every relationship that we have will be perfect. In fact, it's
not realistic to expect that any relationship we have would be perfect there will always be problems; there will always be difficulties which need to be overcome. The tendency when we have a problem in a relationship is to look at the other person and think  it’s their fault that that things aren't going the way you want them to go but that's a very one sided look at a relationship

​There's an old spiritual belief, something I really agree with; that says if something's missing in a relationship it's probably missing from you. Are you putting into the relationship the very thing you are demanding from the ​other person? You cannot control the other person so, it is up to you to be the goal in the relationship. Whatever is missing (e.g. honesty); you should first look at yourself and see if ​you are living up to that standard and; if you can put more of it into the relationsihp.

​Assertiveness Tactics Report

Taking responsibility for ensuring that your relationsihps contain the right values and qualities is a key component of Assertiveness.

You can get my FREE Assertivness Tactics eBook for more strategies.


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There's an old spiritual belief something I really agree with that if something's missing in a relationship it's probably missing from you. Are you putting into the relationship the very thing you are demanding from the relationship?

​How to to be the goal in the relationship

​The following are some quick ideas about what I mean when I say that you should be the goal in the relationship.

​1. Kindness

be-the-goal-in-the-relationship-kindness

​It's very easy to turn around and accuse theother person of being unkind and to say they are not thinking about your needs; about your feelings. They're not caring about you and they're not trying to determine what the consequences will be for you of their actions and their words. They're just saying, thinking and doing what's right for them. They don’t really care how that works out for you. But before you go attacking others stand back for a moment and ask yourself honestly 'Am I being kind to them?'

  • ​​Are you thinking of their needs their wants and their feelings?
  • ​Are you thinking about the consequences for them of what ​you are doing? 
  • ​​Are you thinking about ways in which you can help them meet their needs?
  •  ​Are you thinking about how you can create 'win-win' situations?
It's very easy to turn around and accuse theother person of being unkind and to say they are not thinking about your needs; about your feelings. They're not caring about you and they're not trying to determine what the consequences will be for you of their actions and their words. They're just saying, thinking and  oing what's right for them. They don’t really care how that works out for you But before you go attacking others stand back for a moment and ask yourself honestly am I being kind to them?

​You can’t always meet the needs of others as they may conflict with what you are trying to achieve but you can always make sure that you have fully considered how your actions impact upon others.

If there's a potential negative impact you can try to identify ways to minimise the impact while still pursuing what you want to pursue. When you do that you are being kind and considerate and others value that. They appreciate the fact that you considered them, even if things don’t work out in their favour.

You can’t always meet the needs of others as they may conflict with what you are trying to achieve but you can always make sure that you have fully considered how your actions impact upon others.

If there's negative impact you can try to identify ways to minimise the impact while still pursuing what you want to pursue. When you do that you are being kind and considerate and others value that and they appreciate the fact that you considered them, even if things don’t work out in their favour.

Be proactive and take responsibility for your relationships.

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​2. Honesty

be the goal in the relationship honesty

​Honesty is critically important. If you have an issue with somebody you need to speak up. Very often, relationships break down and one party is accusing the other, e.g.:

Honesty is critically important. If you have an issue with somebody you need to speak up. Very often, relationships break down and one party is accusing the other, e.g.:
  • ​​They keep doing ​'X' to me
    You keep doing this to me
  • ​They keep treating me badly
    You keep treating me badly
  • ​They keep being inconsiderate
    You keep being inconsiderate
  • ​They keep hurting my feelings
    You keep hurting my feelings

​The right thing to do is to ask that person did you ever tell the other person that what they were doing was hurting your feelings?  ​Or, did you speak up and say 'I'm sorry but I think what you're doing is wrong?'

​Sadly, on most occasions, I find that it never crossed their mind to speak up or, even worse, they were afraid to speak their mind because they didn't want to look like the bad guy.

When you ask that person ‘did you ever tell them that what they were doing was hurting your feelings?
did you speak up and say I'm sorry but I think what you're doing is wrong?

And sadly on most occasions I find that it never crossed their mind to speak up  or even worse they were afraid to speak their mind because they didn't want to look like the bad guy.

​But if you have a problem with somebody else or you have a problem with the way the relationship is going; you have a duty to speak up because if you don't speak up you are being dishonest.

You are, through your actions, pretending that everything is OK when of course it's not. And if you don't speak up, do you really have a right to complain and point the finger when things go wrong?

But if you have a problem with somebody else or you have a problem with the way the relationship is going; you have a duty to speak up because if you don't speak up you are being dishonest.
You are, through your actions, pretending that everything is OK when of course it's not. And if you don't speak up, do you really have a right to complain and point the finger when things go wrong?

​So in a relationship be the goal. If your goal is to have more honesty in the relationship, you need to set the standard by being more honest. Speak up when there's a problem tell the other person 'This is unacceptable to me!'

And of course on the other side of the argument; don't be hesitant about telling them when things are going right. Give positive feedback; tell them how much you appreciate and how much you respect them.Tell them how much you admired the actions they've taken, the words that they've spoken; as long as you're being honest and genuine in doing so.

Because that is the kind of honesty which really and truly helps to build quality relationships​. You can't complain about a lack of honesty in a relationship if you yourself are being dishonest.

Related articles: Give proper feedback with Positive Feedback and Constructive Feedback,

So in a relationship be the goal. If your goal is to have more honesty in the relationship, you need to set the standard by being more honest. Speak up when there's a problem tell the otherperson I'm sorry but this is unacceptable to me and of course on the other side of the argument; don't be hesitant about telling them when things are going right. Give positive feedback; tell them how much youappreciate and how much you respect them.Tell them how much you admired the actions they've taken the words that they've spoken; as long as you're being honest and genuine in doing so. Because that is the kind of honesty which really and truly helps to build quality relationships but you can't complain about a lack of honesty in a relationship if you yourself are being dishonest.

​Assertiveness Tactics Report

Taking responsibility for ensuring that your relationsihps contain the right values and qualities is a key component of Assertiveness.

You can get my FREE Assertivness Tactics eBook for more strategies.


Get Your Copy Here


​3. Inclusion

be-the-goal-in-the-relationship-inclusion

We all like to think we have some great friends and some great family members whom we get on very well with. But we often leave them out of things which may impact upon them.

So, if something is going to impact upon somebody, ask for their thoughts ​and their feelings. Don't just consider; ask! Sit down with them, tell them what you are planning, and say: ​​

  • How do you think that might affect you
  • Is that OK with you? 
  • what are your thoughts about this?

​Don't wait for others to speak up because as I've mentioned in the last point some people will have a problem and never say anything. In fact many people will be like that. So to be inclusive you need to think about the other person before you take action.

Even when they disagree with the actions you are taking, they are going to respect ​the fact that you have taken the time to consult them.

We all like to think we have some great friends and some great family members whom we get on very well with. But we often leave them out of things which may impact upon them.

So, if something is going to impact upon somebody, ask for their thoughts ask for their feelings. Don't just consider; ask. Sit down with them and say listen this is what I'm looking at doing.

How do you think that might affect you is that OK with you what are your thoughts about this explore it
Don't wait for others to speak up because as I've mentioned in the last point some people will have a problem and never say anything in fact many people will be like that. So to be inclusive you need to think about the other person before you take action e.g. ‘Hey John I'm taking this approach to this problem. What are your thoughts? How will that impact you?

Do I have your support on this?

Even when they disagree with the actions you are taking, they are going to respect that the fact that you have taken the tiem to consult them.

​For a very real example of this, think about the Brexit situation which has taken place recently. The UK has chosen to leave the European Union which is their right. However, there are consequences for my own country – Ireland. Each side has shown a great deal of inclusiveness and kindness to each other as they have negotiated to ensure that the situation will be managed in a way that minimises the impact of the UK’s decision for Ireland.

For a very real example of this, think about the Brexit situation which has taken place recently. The UK has chosen to leave the European Union which is their right. However, there are consequences for my own country – Ireland. Each side has shown a great deal of kindness to each other as they have negotiated to ensure that situation will be managed in a way that minimises the impact of the UK’s decision for Ireland.

​If you struggle with your relationships,  check out How to Talk So Others Will Listen.


​Conclusion

​Whatever it is you want more of in a relationship you need to be the one that shows that quality. If it's honesty, if it's kindness, if it's inclusion or anything else  you need to demonstrate those values. If you want to see more of those values; you need to be the one that puts them into relationships because then you're sure that those values are there but it also serves as an example for the other person(s) or ​in those relationships so they can follow suit.

So whatever the problem in the relationship is, always assume that you're not putting enough of that into the relationship. Whatever is missing,  i​strove to pur more of it in. Even if you think you're already being kind; ask yourself 'how can I be kinder?'​

​When you put more of ​a specific quality into the relationship, you will almost always see the other person reciprocate.

Whatever it is you want more of in a relationship you need to be the one that shows that quality. If it's honesty, if it's kindness, if it's inclusion or anything else  you need to demonstrate those values if you want to see more of those values. You need to be the one that puts them into relationships because thenyou're sure that those values are there but it also serves as an example for the other person or other people in those relationships so they can follow suit.

So whatever the problem in the relationship is, always assume that you're not putting enough of that into the relationship. Whatever is missing,  increase what you'reputting in. Even if you think you're already being kind ask yourself how can I be kinder? if you think you're already including others ask yourself how can I demonstrate inclusiveness here?

How can I be more honest?

These are all qualities which are easy for you to put into a relationship and when you put more of them into the relationship, you will almost always see the other person reciprocate.